Back Through the Wardrobe

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was

This morning as I set out to finish filling up the two suitcases on my floor, shuffle gauged the mood of the room all on its own and decided to play the song “This is Home” from the soundtrack of the second movie of The Chronicles of Narnia.

I’ve heard this song many times. It was my mantra in high school whenever I was missing a time long gone or a friend far away. It was the soundtrack to my pining; an emotional “Yeah…” moment where I’d look longingly off into some perceived distance all dramatically like a clip from a movie remembering the ‘better days’. Why do we try so hard to hold onto things of the past? Why do we so desperately cling to what we know? Why are we stubbornly sentimental until the point of living in a world that doesn’t exist for us anymore?

But this morning as I stood before my life and tried to pack it into a suitcase, I heard this song very differently.

I’ve got memories, a lot of memories always inside of me - memories from 15 years ago, memories from 5 years ago, memories from last year. But I think when I heard the line “But I can’t go back” I always was fighting one past for another past or for a present that was soon to be a new past. I was picking and choosing what I wanted my reality to be based on various reasons. I didn’t want to go back to the way things were before, so I clung like a screaming baby to my present, afraid to let it go for fear it might all melt away and I be found “back”.

But, to all the people who have poured into my life these past 2 years, I believe you now. It’s all come too far and I can’t go back to how it and who I was before. There is no “back”.

Life goes on and the chorus rings:

This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
This is home

And a thought struck me this morning as I heard the song anew. Lucy, Edmund, Susan and Peter still had to leave Narnia. They still had to go back to England, even though Narnia was their home now. Why did they have to go back to England? Didn’t the song just say they couldn’t go back? That they had found their home? My natural response would be “You found where you belong? Then hold on tight with all you’ve got and never ever let it go! You’re queens and kings in this land you love? Then obviously you should stay here forever.” But they didn’t. Aslan sent them to England. And they said goodbye and went. They were sad. But they went, knowing full well that they were just four ordinary children in Britain in the midst of a world war. They left the magical land they had come to love, the place they were made for and belonged in, and returned to the faded days of England. Because even though Narnia might be their home, it wasn’t where they were supposed to be right now. Caspian needed to learn take the throne on his own. Peter and Susan needed to grow up and decide for themselves if Narnia was really wanted they wanted (which if you’ve read the books you know what Susan decided). And Lucy and Edmund needed to meet Eustace and eventually introduce him to Narnia.

I kind of feel like the Pevensie kids right now. I’m not a queen here, but I’ve found my place of influence. I’ve found where I belong. And although I won’t be stepping through a magical wardrobe, tomorrow I will be getting on an airplane bound for America. I still have that natural instinct to want to hold onto the good thing I’ve got, to painstakingly pry it from my hands. But I still have some growing up to do, some decisions to make, some lessons to learn, some people to meet and some world introductions to do.

The song ends:

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

I’ve found where I belong. And I’m still getting on the plane back to America in 28 hours. But I believe you now.