That's Okay

“How is it being back?”

I’ve been asked this question a million times it feels like over the past 13 days. And I never know how to answer. Are they just asking to be polite? Or do they really want to know? I always wonder. Should I tell them what it feels like today or what it feels like in general? Should I just answer with a joke? Can I pretend I heard someone call my name from the other room? Can I pretend I don’t speak English anymore?

The short answer is: Hard.

It is hard being back in the States for an undefined amount of time. Yes, that’s right. I just said it is hard to be in one of the most developed, wealthiest, secure countries on the earth. But I’m not talking about lifestyle hard. I’m talking about feeling lost. I’m talking about leaving my home, community and life in Asia that I love and belong in. I’m talking about reverse culture shock. And what I’m really talking about it is being in the middle of a big fat time of massive transition. A transition that although is good and right is still majorly life-altering, messy, awkward and hard.

Some moments it is harder than others. But that’s just how life goes, I suppose. I’m taking one day at a time. Relishing the little things I took for granted for so many years – like air, a blue sky, a full fridge, a real mattress, carpet, water pressure, and a car.

There are just so many thoughts, so many feelings and I just can’t organize them. I can’t sort them out by color and put them into boxes. I can’t give people the synopsis they want. I’m in the middle of a muddle; wadding neck deep in a thick mix of decisions, changes, deadlines, and questions.

And I’m having a hard time. But you know what? That’s okay.