When I made the decision to return to Asia for another year, my mind was racing trying to envision solutions to all the logistical problems. Naturally, the usual suspect was stressing me out the most: money. Obedience to Him pays off, but it certainly does not pay – at least not in green paper. How was I going to fund my obedience? I wondered. How was I going to get enough financial support to be able to stay in Asia for another year? My mind could think of no solution.
Then an image came to mind. The image of my little light blue `99 Toyota Corolla parked on the side of my parents’ house.
I could sell it.
No, I couldn’t.
The thought of letting go of my car was for some reason ridiculously painful. I instantly thought of a million legitimate reasons why I should not sell my car…I’d need a car when I moved back to the States, I’m American which means we love our cars, it was a part of my identity, my car is great, my car is mine, I don’t want to sell it, why should I sell it if I’m only going to be in Asia for a year, and the list went on and on mainly with the motivation: I don’t want to sell it, it is mine and I like it. My car was a source of freedom, an element of my identity, an object of control. I could get in my car and go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. When I was in my car I was in charge. My Corolla was a little kingdom of my realm of power and control. I felt free when I had the opportunity to hop in that thing and just drive away. And the thought of not having that, even though it would be parked on the curb at my parents’ house half way around the world, still unnerved me. It made me freak out. I must have a car! I thought.
But the stronger “must”, was that I must follow Him. I must obey. If that meant I had to sell my car in order have enough money to buy a plane ticket, then I would sell my car. I wrestled with Him and tried to make Him understand how hard it would be for me to sell my car. But He just kept saying “I’m worth it. I am worth selling your car for.” And then the truth of that soaked in. He was. He was worth so much more than my silly little hunk of metal. If the choice was keeping my car or following the King of the Universe who loves me, there was no choice. The latter was the only thing that made any sense. I finally got to the point where I was able to put my car up for sale without any reservations in my heart. I was sad at first and as silly as it seems, I had to mourn the loss of my freedom. But once I got to the point where I could say “I will and do give up everything in order to follow you”, I became truly free. I realized that my car, which I viewed as an object of freedom and control, was actually enslaving me. It was controlling me. My attachment to it was determining what I thought and how I felt. When I was able to give it up to Him, I became so free, so released into His goodness, into pursuing Him with nothing tying me down. When I stepped out and experienced what it was like to be found solely in Him, I found surrender to be the most freeing place to be.
I gave up my freedom in order to be free.
So, my car was up for sale. I was headed back to Asia in a matter of days, and I still had no one to buy it. I guess I should have been stressed out because I still needed the money. But I wasn’t. Because He showed me that it wasn’t about a logistical problem of funding, it was about a logistical problem of trust. It wasn’t about my car. It was about my heart. And once I was able to enter into what He wanted to teach me about trusting that He is good and learning to let Him be my everything, selling or keeping the car didn’t even matter anymore.
And as it turns out in the end, He didn’t lead me to sell my car. A few weeks ago He provided the opportunity for someone to rent my car while I am here in Asia for a year. Not only did He provide a car for my friend, He let me not have to sell it and still receive income from it. But He also left room for more trusting on my part. He has another lesson for me to learn in this. You see, if I had sold my car I would have had enough finances for the entire year upfront and therefore would not have needed to continue to trust Him day to day for provision. I’m receiving income from renting my car out and from supporters, but at the beginning of each day I still never know if I will have enough to make ends meet. That’s where the more trusting part comes in. I knowing that I am free in Him and now I need to learn how to be safe in Him. As I chose to trust Him throughout each day, by the end of the day, to my surprise, He is still good and still provides me with my daily manna; day by day, not year by year as I would have liked. But it keeps me coming back to Him each morning, each moment, because He really is the only way I can get through financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And as long as I let Him, He will always be faithful because that is just the way He is.
May all praise and thanks be given to Him, our Father and faithful Provider.
