Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
My heart wrung in between beats as if gasping for blood as lungs gasp for air when the physical struggles to keep up with the surging emotional. I held my breath afraid for what would escape if I let it out. My eyes pinched shut wishing, hoping, praying that the reality beyond my lids would melt away. Quivering my lips did all they could to contain the sobs that were building in my chest. My mind was a blank though a thousand thoughts rushed at me and blurred my vision. Thoughts of meeting, thoughts of parting, thoughts of the known, thoughts of the unknown, thoughts of love. I held on tight as did they. We embraced with committed arms and abandon reservations. Reluctantly we pulled back. Eye to eye, heart to heart, they spoke. Their words reached down inside of me and made another chip at the heart that is being carved. I felt another onslaught of tears building. Not even half did I let escape though it seemed as if I had joined in on the tropical storm’s display. The moment ended and we released one another. Our eyes shone and our faces wore a slight smile. We said, “Goodbye.”
It’s just the beginning, isn’t it? I feel like my short nineteen years of life has been mainly composed of goodbyes. And I have a creeping suspicion that many more, much more goodbye saying awaits me. I am terrible at goodbyes. I avoid them with great intention, which also means I at times avoid attachment. If you never fully let your hand hold, then you won’t have to reverse the motion to let it go. A loose grasp is my farewell insurance.
But my insurance plan didn’t work this time. I had become attached. I had loved, fully loved, and I had been loved, fully loved. I had felt safe. I felt at home. I felt welcomed. I felt celebrated. My grip, yes, had grown tighter and stronger, but more than anything the love itself grew to fit my purposefully open grasp. It enlarged to fill the space I had left in avoidance, in anticipation. The object within my hold had grown stronger, thicker, and with greater form. Actually it had surpassed the extent of my hold and escaped my hand and ran down my arm.
I so dislike goodbyes.
But we weren’t made for goodbyes, were we? We were intended to invest and be invest in. We were made for home. We were created for completion. We were not made for parting, for trailing offs, or for slipping aways. Change is necessary. Growth: imperative. But goodbyes, goodbyes go against everything within us. I’m not talking about the transition cycle necessary for seasons. I’m talking about when you look someone in the eye, say that single heart wrenching word, and you walk away leaving a part of your heart with them. We are relational beings. We are intimate beings. And saying goodbye means parting with an avenue to be both.
I am so bad at goodbyes.
Opened-ended goodbyes are the worst in my opinion. They provide no closure along with not enough hope to be satisfied. Not knowing if it will be a month, ten years, or never until you see them again rings my heart with sorrow.
This is a life of goodbyes. I thank God the next is one of everlasting hellos.
