I am not coming back.

So, I have approximately three months remaining until I say “Until next time…” to my life in Asia and pack my bags, get on a plane, and arrive in the U. S. of A.

I almost just said “and arrive back to the U.S…” but then I stopped. I don’t think I am headed back there. I don’t want to go back to the place I was at. I am not returning to where and who I was before. It is true I will be traveling there once again, and be living in America again very soon. But I am not going back there because the place I left, the place I knew it to be, the life I left, and the life I knew is not there to go back to. It does not exist anymore. My life in America was what it was because I saw it a certain way, I was a certain way. But I do not see like that anymore. I am not that person anymore. So, it is impossible for me to return to something that is no longer there – to be someone who no longer exists. I am not moving back to the States. I am moving to the States. But to begin an entirely new season, new adventure in a position in life that I have never been in before.

To the eye, not much has changed. I look the same. I am still loud and obnoxious. I am still a 5 foot 5 inch, hazel eyed female. I still have that red upside down Mickey Mouse shaped birthmark on my arm. My parents’ house will look much like it did when I left almost two years ago. The street will be unchanged and family and friends will still be going about living their lives. But things couldn't be more different. They couldn't feel more strange and foreign. Ask me to pin point what exactly has changed or how it changed and I could not give you an articulate answer. I can merely say that life has gone on – it’s morphed, moved on, and managed to be influenced by the past but be completely dissimilar to it to the point of being unrecognizable. I cannot even compare who I was, what my life was like then to who I am and what it is now, because this is all I know now. I am in the process of becoming distilled and I cannot even remember my former diluted way of living life, of being me.

I don’t want to go back to the way things were - even if they were good. I am grateful for past seasons, but I never want to return there. I can’t return, because there is no place to return to.

I've got three months left of this two year adventure. The impending goodbyes will be the hardest yet. But I've never been so excited for my future. I hate leaving good things, but there are many more adventures that await me – some less fun than others but I don’t want to keep them waiting too long because there is still much distilling to do.

So, these next three months will mean a lot to me. I shall do my best to cherish each and every day, to remember that stress never saved the world, and to laugh and cry every time I get the chance.

What my future holds I do not know. I do not even know all of what my past holds, to be honest. But this I know for sure, I am grateful for yesterday, thankful for today, and welcoming of tomorrow because discovering the adventures of surrender is the kind of life I love living.