Dying to Live

You think I would have known better than to ask "Father, help me to surrender more of myself to You. Show me what I am holding back." In truth, I did know what it would mean if He granted my request. Although I honestly had no idea what I was asking. But I had to ask. I was compelled to want this, even though I knew I was basically asking Him to make things harder, to take control over some of my favorite things to control, and to put me in a very uncomfortable, painful, and difficult process. I'd been down this "surrendering" road before, and I knew I was not asking Him to join me on a stroll through the park. But like I said, I had to ask. Once you've tasted the finer things of life, it's hard to go back to what you knew before even if there is a higher price to be paid for those fine things. And that's why I asked. Because I had tasted, and I had seen, and I had known that He is good. I had known that He is best. I was dying to live more of the Life He gives. "What am I holding back?" I repeated.
He wasted no time in answering my question.
I won't go into details. I'm not brave enough for that yet. But let's just say that He showed me something I never placed under the "Learn to Surrender At Some Point" category. In fact, I had probably placed it under the "No Need to Surrender, You're Allowed to Keep This One" title. It never occurred to me that He might ask me to give up this thing. I saw it as my right to have it. In fact, it is my right. But that's exactly what He was asking, "Give up your rights, Emily. The rights you deserve. The rights you have the right to." Now, of course, you are probably thinking. Of course to follow Him you have to give up your rights. You know that. I knew that. Anyone who's ever been to Sunday school knows that. But it's a whole different ball game when He looks at you, points to it, and says "OK, hand it over." I looked back at Him flabbergasted. "But..but, that one is mine..." I stammered. I couldn't bring myself to look Him in the eye but I could feel His penetrating gaze upon me no matter where I looked or what I tried to change the subject to.
Ever since I was little it was obvious that fairness and justice are some of my key values. As a kid I dreamed of winning a Noble Peace Prize because of the outstanding contributions I made to fighting for human rights for people and women around the world. I used to practice my acceptance speech in the bathroom mirror. I currently dream of fighting human trafficking. Here I was, a human rights activist down to my very core, and He was asking me to give up my human rights. My right to want and to seek a reasonable life. My rights to feel emotions and respond in ways that are warranted according to the situation. But He doesn't operate in our kind of reasonableness, does He? He is not really concerned about what we sanction to be warranted, is He? My right to a reasonable life, to a life that makes sense, was what I was holding back. "My sense isn't your sense." He said. Indeed this was no stroll through the park. I felt like He was asking me to join Him on hike up Mt. Everest's big brother when I was aiming for something a little more down to earth. But there was no going back. Once I got over my shock, once I got over being offended, I said "OK." I was still unable to look Him in the eye, but I stammered, "OK, You can have it." I knew I had to die to myself, release my ideals, and let go of my "rights" in order to make it up that mountain. You see, I got into this whole thing in the first place because I was dying to live, but He taught me that I had to die so that I may live. Literally dying to live. But to live indeed! Life on top of the mountain really is the best, even if you had to dump your favorite things out of your backpack along the way to lighten your load.
Tonight I was talking to a friend of mine who has been at this whole living life thing some years longer than I. She said if she were to sum up her whole life in one word it would be "Give-up". After all these years, she said giving-up, letting go, surrendering is the lesson she keeps taking away from her journey towards Life.
The American, the 21st century woman, and the human rights activist within me is appalled. But I can't be a good citizen if I don't follow what is truly Good, can I? I can't be a powerful, thriving woman if I don't tap into who I was really created to be, can I? And I can't effectively stand up and fight to protect the rights we have as humans until I first understand what it means to follow the One who gave us the right to be called children of God.
I'm still not even half way up the mountain's slope, but there's just no going back now. I must have more of Him. I must give Him more of me. I am dying to live, to truly LIVE.