A Happy Birthday.

Written on October 30th, 2011.

Today is my nineteenth birthday. This is the first birthday in many, many years that I am not sad.

As a kid I always cried on my birthday. Turning another year older was so sad to me. I didn’t like growing up. Growing up means change. Change is hard. Hard things hurt. I don’t like to hurt. I didn’t like growing up. I did not like the idea of familiar and beloved things having to pass away and having to face the new and foreign future. If it were not for the ice-cream and presents I probably would have boycotted my birthday altogether. Birthdays, even as an eight year old, were a solemn and gloomy day for me.

But it was different this year. This year I am in China for my birthday. This year I am not sad. This year I am not afraid to grow up.

Three weeks ago I got on an airplane. I stumbled down the aisles of seats in a daze. I found my way to seat A16 and sat down. I stared blankly at the back of seat in front of me. Suffering from a severe lack of sleep, my eyelids grew heavy. The engine started and the plane began to make its way down the runway. The airplane picked up speed and the sound of the engines grew louder. My eyelids suddenly flew open. My heartbeat quickly caught up with the speed of the plane I was apparently sitting on. My breathing came in short and sudden gasps for air. What am I doing?! I thought in a moment of panic. I turned and looked out the window as the ground slipped out from beneath us. Los Angeles City quickly grew to be but a small pile of concrete. My heart skipped a beat. Maybe two beats. “What am I doing?” I asked aloud. My cheeks became flushed and my hands gripped the armrests. I forced myself to take a deep breath. Suddenly the reality of what had happened, what was happening, and what was going to happen hit me like a bag of bricks. I was stunned. My mind was reeling and my lungs just couldn’t seem to get a hold of any oxygen. I was on a plane headed for China. I was moving to China. My eyes blurred as I tried to clear my head. A mixture of panic, excitement, fear, exhaustion, happiness, confusion, and disbelief gripped my heart. “What am I doing?!” I asked again. Obeying. He answered.

I have been here for almost three weeks now. And I know this is where I belong. There is not a doubt in my mind that I am supposed to be here right now. I am getting to know a new culture, a new language, new people, and a new way of life. But most of all, I am getting to know myself, and the One who put me together.

I’m not afraid of growing up this time. Yeah, sure, change is uncomfortable. Yes, change is still hard. But I see the richness that awaits me. I yearn for fullness. I long to be made whole. I want to be who I was made to be. I want to experience more of Him. I want to be who He intended me to be. I am not sad this year. I am happy for the new things He has for me. I am grateful for my present blessings, and even for my present trials. I am excited for this next year. And I am excited for the ones that will follow. I am excited to grow up. I am happy.

Today I truly had a happy birthday