Things always sound more profound when a kid in a suit is saying them while dancing.

"Two roads diverged in the woods...and I took the road less traveled...AND IT HURT, MAN!...but I want to be on the [road] that leads to awesome."

My thoughts exactly.

A Cup of Tea

I should not be writing a blog post right now. I am leaving in a day and a half and as usual I have a To-Do list as long as the Silk Road. I need to pack, clean, book hotels, confirm bookings, reply to a gugillion emails, work on college applications, do homework, tie up things at work, write application essays, re-write application essays, remember to breathe, do laundry, wait for the laundry to dry, pay bills, go to the bank, and remember all the other things I need to do that I am always forgetting about. The stress of it all is literally making my head spin.

But I'm taking a moment. Taking a moment to enjoy my cup of tea. Taking a moment to remember there's a world outside of mine. Taking a moment to remember that stress never helped anyone - never added a minute to the hour or crossed a thing off the list. I'm taking a moment to be excited about my up coming trip, to pause and remember how much I really do love my work, and to breathe - because even though the air is black and diluted from the pollution and even hurts my lungs, He is still giving me breath, still giving me Life, and still being good.

It's amazing what a cup of tea can do. Remember to have yours today.

Sometimes...

...I write these combinations of words that sort of resemble poem like compositions. Mostly I don't. But sometimes I do. You can read these sometimes somethings here (<--- click that word) on my first yet secondary blog. I don't claim to be a poet. I don't even claim to write poetry. I just like to talk, really. And I like to write too.

And you know what's interesting? I seem to always be torn between really wanting to share my thoughts and have people listen to what I have to say and being utterly terrified of sharing my writings and feeling completely vulnerable and naked by posting my thoughts on this blog where Who Even Knows is reading it.

There is something safe but cop-out-ish about the internet. You can say whatever you'd like without having to look people in the eye. I can post my poems and probably no one even reads them, but at least I've felt like I've shared. But don't you dare ask me to read them aloud to someone. You see, I want to speak - but I'm afraid of people actually listening.

I think we as people long for authenticity but at the same time are much too afraid of ourselves - afraid of who we are, afraid to share it, and afraid of how we will be received. I don't like to let people in. I don't like being vulnerable and open. Yet is the very thing I yearn for: To know and be known.

But before I can be authentic with anyone else, I have to first be authentic with myself. I have to be willing to process, reflect, and claim the truth.

See, this is why I shouldn't have a blog! I just ramble and ramble saying too much and saying nothing at all!

Xiao Zhang

I remember Xiao Zhang’s* first day at the Project.

We had been visiting the women in the shop she worked at for years. Finally one day, we got news that the shop was closing and that Xiao Zhang and another woman wanted to join the Project. We were so excited to welcome them to join us.

On her first day, Xiao Zhang sat closely to her friend. She kept her head down glancing around at us cautiously and avoiding eye contact. She hardly said a word for weeks. Her eyes looked tired and dark. Her smile, when she smiled, was ever so slight and a bit nervous. She was shy and timid.

Who knows what this woman has been through in her 31 years of life that has forced her to keep her head down and made her eyes grow dark?

Xiao Zhang has been with us for several months now. It has taken time for her to feel at home. But today I hardly recognize her.

This past autumn, I returned to Asia after a month long visit to the US. I had only been back in Asia a few days and had not yet returned to work at the SF office. I was in a grocery store near our women’s shelter restocking my kitchen when I spotted a woman across the store. The woman caught my eye and a giant smile burst out across her face and she waved excitedly at me. At first I did not recognize who it was. I was so surprised when I realized who she was. It was Xiao Zhang. She hurried over to me to give me hug and welcome me back. We chatted a bit with the minimal vocabulary we each had of the other’s language. Gone was the timid, cautious woman who had first come to SF. The woman who stood before me was so much more confident and so full of life.

A few weeks ago during team building, a time we spend together sharing and building relationships in the office before the work day starts, I looked up at her from across the table. I thought, “Who is this woman? Can this really be the same Xiao Zhang who came to us hardly ever speaking or smiling?” The woman I see now wears a beaming and breathtaking smile on her face. A light shines in her eyes. She laughs. She jokes around. She sings. She shares her thoughts and feelings. She holds her head up high.

Xiao Zhang’s life has been transformed. No longer is she trapped in a life of exploitation. She now has a chance to realize her potential and be valued for who she is. She is a hard and happy worker. Xiao Zhang was recently promoted to position of Inventory Manager. She is thriving in her new role of responsibility.

Whenever I get tired or discouraged at all there is to do or at size of the problem of exploitation, I think of Xiao Zhang. I think of the smile that now shines from her soul. And I remember why we do what we do. I remember that it is all worth it. I remember there is hope for each and every one.


This was a blog I wrote for SF's blog a few weeks ago but I thought I'd share it on here too.
*Real name not used to protect my friend

My 5 Highlights of 2012

I should post a deep, contemplative, really moving reflection on my experiences of 2012 of all the lessons I've learned, ways I've grown, and amazing things I've seen and experienced. But instead I'm going to cheat and write a short reflection in the form of number points of my top 5 highlights of 2012 listed in no particular order. Ready, set, go!

1. Going to Thailand! 
I have wanted to go to Thailand for literally as long as I can remember. I have no idea why. I just always have. When the plane broke through the clouds and I saw Thailand for the first time, I burst out in tears. The food was amazing, the people are beautiful, the weather is warm, and massages are cheap - but, the thing that made me the happiest to be there was that the little kid who used to look at atlases for hours, who would always try to find Thailand as fast as she could whenever a globe was within reach,  and who would beg her parents to let her stay up late so she could watch Globe Trekker on PBS - that little kid learned that it's OK to hope and dream for things and that that little kid really can go places in life.

2. Surviving/Not dying/Not being run over by a car, bus, or stampede of people rushing toward the bus
There are a lot of people in the city I live in. Like a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Like 23 million. And I feel like they ALL take the bus or subway - especially the bus or subway line that I need to take. So, in addition to not being smothered to death (see blog entitle "THE bus") by the crowds of people that I seem to constantly be engulfed in when trying to get anywhere in this city, I am really glad I have yet to be run over/hit by a car because a lot of the time it is safer to cross the road when the crosswalk sign actually says do not cross. I learned to adapt, cope, and survive in an environment and lifestyle that mostly just makes me go "Whaaa?".  You may think I'm being over-dramatic or sarcastic but the funny thing is, I'm not.

3. Making Great Friends & Meeting Great People
I met a lot of interesting people this past year. I learned a lot from them. I was blessed by them. I was inspired and challenged by them. Many of them I probably will never see again. Some of them will be a major part of my life from here on out. The relationships that were forged, formed, and deepened and the ones that just sorta happened are perhaps the greatest highlight of my year. Without the people I came across or who came across me during my travels, stays, and visits my year would have been filled with a lot less smiles, laughs, tears, lessons learned, accidental adventures, challenges, growing curves, inspirations, and hugs. Whether you are my life-long mentor now, the taxi driver who proposed to me on behalf of his son, my boss, my housemate, the Mongolian woman who let me take shelter in her family's yurt during a downpour,  my counselor, or the lady who sold me my veggies, you made my year.

4. Going to Oxford
I can't express to you the joy that overwhelmed my little homeschooled nerd heart to walk the streets of Oxford and grab lunch at the Bird and the Baby. Yes, I ate lunch in the same pub where the souls who gave us Narnia and Middle Earth ate lunch. I was beside myself to say the least. Aside from that, the general history and beauty of the town brought tears to me eyes (1,3, and 4 all mention tears - apparently I cried a lot in 2012!). I didn't plan on going to Oxford. It was a last minute, unexpected, tremendous surprise.
It was like realizing that just when you thought all of the Christmas presents have been opened and the excitement is all over that there is still one more left hiding under the tree - and it has your name on it.

5. Proving Myself Wrong
I used to think it was unrealistic to think that I was ever going to get to travel. Ha.
I used to think it was naive to want my life to be meaningful AND fun. Ha.
I used to think it was impossible for me to ever amount to anything. Ha.


I want to keep going! 5 just isn't enough! There are so many highlights that are now coming to mind. A whole year's worth, in fact! 2012 wasn't all fun and happy memories. No way! It was the hardest, most painful year of my life. But even the low points are highlights in a way because of the lessons and tools I gained from them. I just think of all the places I went to, the adventures I had, the jobs I did, the people I met, the experiences I had, and I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with gratitude. I am grateful, so grateful for 2012.

Distrac...hey, what's that over there?

I have a problem.

If you are reading this, than you might be aware of what I'm talking about. The design of my blog is a big glaring testament of my problem.

I get distracted.

Actually, I let myself get distracted. And in a way, I even want to get distracted.

For example, I log on to write or post a blog. But instead of clicking "New Post", I inevitably and consistently click "Template" instead. Once this first act of defiant distractableness is accomplished I proceed to spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to get my blog to look "just right".  This "just right", of course, is merely a white rabbit I chase after by trying out new colors, fonts, and backgrounds. But I'm never satisfied, never pleased, because I don't really need to change the look of the page anyway. That's not why I logged on to my blog. But for some reason I let myself become distracted from my original intention. It's easier to put together colors and fonts than words and ideas. I let myself become distracted because a part of me doesn't want to write, doesn't want to process, and most certainly doesn't want to post a blog less than brilliant (being a perfectionist with self-esteem issues is exhausting!). I know I need to write, to think things out, and sometimes to even let myself ramble. But I'm too lazy to think sometimes. I'm too tired to think sometimes. And sometimes I'm too afraid to think. So, I let myself get distracted. I let myself forget what I set out to process in the first place. I settle for Hershey's while I could have Cailler if I was only willing to make a bigger investment. Why is it that I am so willing to let myself become distracted? Why am I so conditioned to opt for the easier, faster, brighter option so much of the time in so many areas of my life? Whether it is relaxing, working, socializing, or learning, I am beginning to lose my patience.

I'm beginning to sell my attention to the fastest - not the highest - bidder.

And today I've decided that I'm not OK that. Because the less willing I become to sit down and process, the less capable I will become to engage with life. And I'm here to live life not to watch it.