Abandon

-noun 
 1. a complete surrender to natural impulses without restraint or moderation; freedom from inhibition or conventionality: to dance with reckless abandon. 

 Its black letters stare starkly at me from the white page. Its combination, the meaning of its wholeness strikes a chord deep within me. Over the past few months that word has loomed above me, following me everywhere with its heaviness and truth. Yet every time I hear it, every time I listen, it frees me a little more.
I like insurance and reassurance. I do not naturally follow “natural impulses”. That would be completely ridiculous. Utterly insane. And totally irresponsible. Moderation I always viewed as a must.
 But I remember the first time when He leaned in close with a light in His eyes and whispered intently, “Abandon, Emily. Follow me with abandon.” I stared back at Him, deep into His eyes as if to say I had no comeback this time. His gaze never let go of me. His eyes held an inexpressible joy as He urged me to let go.
I wasn’t surprise at His words. I had known all along that He meant what He said and that He said He wanted it all, that total surrender was a requirement, that I could not look back. But I was deeply challenged by His call. I was made frightened and uneasy by His word choice. Abandon, the word echoed in my head. Although it was a scary thought to leave moderation to the wind and join the wind, abandonment I found suddenly strangely tempting. No more holding back. No more covering all my bases. No more being tied down by my own restraints. Just running free. Totally free. With all that I was, with all that I am toward all that I will be, toward all of Him. Leaving everything in the dust and sprinting with every muscle straining my body to reach what I love the most, who loves me the most.
 Even with all my fears, all my worries, and all my ideas, I didn’t want to arrive at the end and find I only had half a heart to give Him. Now wouldn’t that be irresponsible? To give Him half a heart when my job was to give Him a whole one? I pictured myself arriving at the end and suddenly realizing that I had suitcases of moderation with me while He had told me over and over again that He would provide everything I needed. How’s that for ridiculous?
I wanted Him to have it all. I knew He deserved nothing less.
So, when He leaned in and searched out my eyes asked me to follow Him with complete surrender and let go of everything that was not Him and give into the urge to find Him out, I knew I had to do it now. I know I must obey. I want to obey. He deserves nothing less than all of me, all my time, and all of my life. I will chase after Him with all that I am. I will not give Him half a heart. Whether it means leaving my belongings and family behind to follow Him across the globe or trusting Him fully when His leading does not make sense to me, I will not look back.
I want to live with abandon. I want to give it my all. He was not kidding when He said He wanted surrender, and I don’t want to be kidding when I said I would give it to Him.