I’m really stressed out.
And the last thing I “should” be doing is spending time
writing about how stressed out I am. I should be studying for finals, working
on upcoming projects, writing final papers, replying to emails, or one of the
many, many, many things that compose my mental stress list. But no, instead I’m
sitting in a deserted hallway on the third floor of Shillman writing a blog
post. The last 24 hours have been a lot to handle: professors telling me to
switch my final paper topic last minute, awkward tension-filled encounters with
people, homework assignments I forgot about that were due the next day,
obligations and prior commitments to friends I needed to fulfill, a long shift
at my new job. This morning I woke up to a lump of stress in my stomach the
size of a bowling ball as I thought about all the exams, finals, papers, and projects
that await me next week. And to top it all off, my bank graciously notified me
that my credit card number had been stolen and someone was trying to buy a lot
of cigarettes with my hard earned (though measly sum of) money. I wanted to
check out of my life like a hotel room and go somewhere else and not have to
deal with cleaning up this mess.
I’m two and half weeks away from completing my first year
back in school. A year ago I was living in Beijing and had no idea what the
next phase of my life would entail. It was an incredible winding road but
somehow I ended up in a hallway outside a Physics class at Northeastern
University in Boston, Massachusetts (don’t worry, I’m not skipping class. I don’t
take physics). When I think about the past year and the years ahead, I’m
overwhelmed with grief, joy, peace, terror, and excitement. The past 24 hours have
been the most stressed out I’ve been in a long time and perhaps one of the
first times I’ve been stressed out about classes since coming back to school.
But it’s in times like these where I know the very thing I need to do is stop,
sit down, and reflect. No amount of good grades or finished To-Do lists will
give me life. No amount of planning out the next 5 years or 3 months will bring
me success. Only taking time to simply be me – apart from all the noise and chaos
of college kid life – will matter to my eternal being. As I look out the window
I can see a tree with its branches covered with little buds. Little soft pink
buds that are just tiny sleeping hopes soon to crack up and spill color into
the atmosphere. I am comforted by the fact that the stress of my day, though
intense and very real it may be, cannot affect these blossoms. That no matter
how horrible or busy or un-ideal my life may be, Spring is undeterred. Sunshine
isn’t dependent on if I feel light. The breeze isn’t bothered by my furrowed
brow nor the sky moved by my To-Do list. And in this moment, all I can do is be
thankful for that. I am thankful that my stress never gets the final word, that
my stress actually possesses no actual power. I am thankful that sometimes the
best way to handle being overwhelmed by stress is to let yourself be
overwhelmed by the sight of the fluffy white clouds or the fresh blue sky or a
stranger holding the door open of you. My life is not merely paper and words.
Yes, it is complex but it is also simple.
I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now. I don’t have any
answers for any of my questions of what, how, when, and why. But today I’m
grateful for deserted hallways with good views that remind me to sit down and
be quiet.